Laugh Quotes

There’s a lot. If you read any, star if you laughed******

> Nine year old Junior comes home from school one day and his mother asks what he learned. “Oh, mom,” said Junior, “I learned how to fuck today!” Mom is furious and sends him to his room explaining that he has to wait till his father gets home. Well, dad gets home about an hour later and is met by his irate wife. “Go talk to YOUR son!” she demands.

Dad goes up and finds his son sitting on the bed and asks what had happened. “Dad, all I told her is that I learned to fuck today,” says Junior. “That’s my boy!!!!!” dad blurts out, but after thinking a moment he says, “Well, your mom is really upset about this, so I’m gonna have to ground you for a week. But, I see you’re following in your father’s footsteps. I’m quite proud of you.”

The next day at the construction site, dad is bragging to all his co-workers about his nine year old son getting laid. “A chip off the old block!” he beams . “Of course, I didn’t start till I was ten, but he’s already becoming a man!!”

Dad comes home from work that night, proud as can be, barely kisses the wife’s cheek as he rushes up to his son’s room. “Well, son,” he asks, “did you do it again today???”

“Oh, no!” exclaims Junior, “my butt still hurts from yesterday!”

ØIt was the nursery teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers”. “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some sweets.”

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. “Is it Champagne?” she asked.

“No,” replied the little girl, “It is a puppy.”

ØAn old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?”

“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?”

“That’s my business! Get me the course!”

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, “please, before it’s too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
“One less lawyer . . .”

ØAn off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

These are actual stories written in essays by kids in their history classes:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer

Do you follow this saying “People who don’t like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn’t have such funny beliefs” ?

For example.. in the Quran it says that the stars were created to stop the deamnos from hearing Allah’s angels talking, that was a funny belief, should i laugh at it ?

37:8They cannot listen to the exalted assembly and they are thrown at from every side,
37:9Being driven off, and for them is a perpetual chastisement
37:10 Except him who snatches off but once, then there follows him a brightly shining flame.

Another example from the stuff i find funny in the quran :

27:18 Till, when they reached the Valley of the Ants, an ant exclaimed: O ants! Enter your dwellings lest Solomon and his armies crush you, unperceiving.
27:19 And (Solomon) smiled, laughing at her speech, and said: My Lord, arouse me to be thankful for Thy favour wherewith Thou hast favoured me and my parents, and to do good that shall be pleasing unto Thee, and include me in (the number of) Thy righteous slaves.

hi, this might be long lol. right ive known my girlfriend for years and (did lol) know her like the back of my hand. im 20 and she is 22. we started going out middle of last year, and we had sooooo much fun, we used to speak everyday on the phone when we couldnt see each other and when we could we had THE BEST sex ever. she was the first gil i mastered her orgasm with (because i loved her for so long i felt i had to give her something so love and orgasms were a good start) i gave her gifts whenever i could, and we had the same sense of humour, and it was just….wow, and the day she told me she loved me was like a dream come true…(i had waited for 4 years for her to say it lol) then after a while we moved in togther, and man we just worked then had sex then had a laugh then got up had sex had a laugh, hugged and held hands all the time, then worked and repeat lol, untill one day. she started saying no to sex and ALWAYS complaining she felt sick, so me being the guy i am concerned with her well being would still ask for sex and stuff and to hug (but I NEVER pressured her, quite the oposite when SHE didnt get it she rolled over and went to bed lol) but when i got turned down i would say “babe aslong as youre comfortable thats all that matters im just being selfish sorry i love you ” and she was fine with that. and then we started argueing more…no idea why. then i lost my job (it was my first job and i had to wear a suit and all and i was sooooo proud and felt crushed when i lost it because it gave me purpose and ambition) so naturally i felt down and didnt feel as fun any more….then a few weeks later her sickness got worse and we found out she was pregnant….WOW i was sooooooo happy, a chance to be with the woman i loved and step up to the mark and do all i could for her and make things right, so next step get a job save up and ask to marry her (with her parents blessing but i get on with them, her dad even went on a 6 hour trip with me to collect my stuff when i moved i honestly get on well with them)…..the day after she tells me she doesnt love me any more at least not as a bf and thinks we should go on a break and that she dont find me attractive anymore (more a personality thing, she didnt like having to ask me to STOP DROOLING IN MY SLEEP!!!! even though i couldnt help it but her attitude is “i dont do it so you shouldnt” lol) and says she movin to her mums and i can find somewhere else to live….which i cant cos i dont have a job, and that the child wont have my second name cos i have a stupid second name (its doyle btw) and i have no say on its name cos i like alexander lol and maybe not on the birth certificate either cos she says she dont want the child knowing IM its father shes now moved, im trying to give her space, but also let her know that im not going anywhere and her + child are my number 1 priority and aslong as shes safe and comfortable thats all that matters. i understand shes scared and hurting and maybe angry that i got her pregnant (even though it was her damn idea ) and hormones and stuff. but im now alone, i have no one to talk to, and need to know how much of this is hormone related and should i keep fighting cos i feel im losing everyday. she even told me if she ever gets married the child can have the guys second name….and it crushed me…..these are all true facts thats why im so confused, i cant sleep i cant eat cos im worrying 24/7 about my future, my potential family, the love of my life, and wat to do and all that….is there ANYTHING i can do to make it right? anything at all? feels like im hitting my head against a brick wall i love her soooooo much i dont want to lose her (i will never EVER tell her this but i will probs kill myself if she left with our child because her and her family are all i have left i got none of my own) please help
also my msn/email addy is waddaydiddlydayday@hotmail.com please i really need to talk to someone