Laugh Quotes

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

We hope this clears up any confusion,

Hey! I asked a question about the names like yesterday or something…and thanks for all ur answers well the names are the ones I picked for the best answer (duh) Well anyway this is my story, please tell me what you think and it would help if you can think of a title please thnx! (a small part of the story)

I was born on July 21 1900 as Hazel Arvilla Jonas. I had two wonderful parents, Arina and Peter Jonas. Arina was short 5′0 unlike everyone else in my family, she was also sweet a strong little woman. Everyone says I am like her, set aside from the shortness I am medium height. Arina was smart she always came up with an excuse when my cousins who lived with us would get in trouble. My father……Peter. Peter always had fun always laughing. He practicly built a playground in our backyard. Peter loved to try new things. But I didn’t always live with them. I was eight. It was a very stormy night, November 14, 1908. My dad went to get some fire wood. Me my cousins, Alexandrea and Thomas were sitting in the living floor with Arina drawing a picture. I was so young but I remember every detail of what happened that night. The gas lamp went out. Darkness filled the room. Arina stayed calm she didn’t scream she just grabbed us and ran, me and Alexandrea where screaming. Arina ran outside but something knocked her down.
“HAZEL! HAZEL!” Arina screamed out. She had Alexandrea and Thomas in her hands, but was searching franticly around the front yard searching for me. A tall man had me,
“Hazel.” he laughed. “That’s your name. Hazel.” That was the last time I saw my mother and two cousins. I know they are still alive, because after he grabbed me we left. No one even touched them. Later on I learned that the man who grabbed me was my uncle Charles. I live with my uncle and his five “buddies” as he calls them. I am tough. Very tough, I grew up in a house full of men, robbers. They took me with them sometimes they would use me or just leave me somehwere out of sight. When they did use me they would call me the “bait” I would distract the family….or what ever we were robbing that night while they stole what ever they were there for. I hated doing it but they were the closest thing to a family that I had. I am 16 now. It is 1916.
“Hazel! Hazel Arvilla Johnson.” Johnson is Arina’s maiden name Charles is her older brother. “Come here your future husband is here!” oh no! I thought to myself. His bestfriend Jackson, He had arranged a marriage for me with him so he could get Jackson’s family’s money. I had no choice but to run, I didn’t like Jackson. Even as a child growing up in this house I didn’t like him. He is two years older.
I jumped out of the window in my room. I didn’t have to time to get shoes. Good thing it was in the middle of June. I was barefoot. I ran and ran, I stumbled up the mountain about one mile away from my house. I knew I had run that far. I was falling over rocks, slipping into mud puddles nearly every two seconds, and getting my skirt hung. I finally reached the top. I sat under an old acorn tree, I slung my head back and closed my eyes.
“Finally. Safe.” I whispered to myself. I heard twigs snapping. My head shot up. “Who’s there? Show yourself, I might be small but I can fight!” I yelled rolling up my sleeves and balling my hands into fists.
“SHH!” They whispered. The noise got closer. Someone sat down beside me. “Hello” He sounded suprised.
“Hello.” I said cautiously. “My name is Hazel you?” I tried to be polite but ready to fight.
” Garrett .” He gasped “Here she comes!” he looked at me. “Good thing I found you. Here put this on and hug onto my arm.” He handed me an engagment ring.
“NO!” I pacticly yelled.
“Please……It’s my only hope. And it would help if you kiss my cheek, please!” He begged.
“Pathetic.” I coughed under my breath.
“Please?” He pleaded.
I looked at him, he looked at me with puppy dog eyes. “Fine.”
“Fantastic. Just play along.”
“Okay…”
A tall blonde came stomping up the hill holding her skirt up and her nose up in the air. Her face was blood red her blonde hair flying every where, but somehow under the rage she was beautiful, like every other girl in Dallas, except me. Garrett pulled me up, we were standing next to each other he grabbed my hand.
“I told you Kathryn, I am engaged see. This is Hazel.” I played along as told.
I hugged onto his arm and kissed his cheak, he lifted my hand up to show the engagment ring.
“Garrett Carey Horace!” She yelled. Then calmed down. “Prove it.”
“WHAT?” We both asked.
“Get married. When’s the wedding? I’ll come.”
Garrett sighed knowing he was caught, poor boy wow if I didn’t say something he was going to have to live with that for the rest of his life.
“August!” I smiled. Garrett and Kathryn looked at me. “August 20th, actually.”
Kathryn’s mouth dropped open. “Kiss.” She laughed.
Me and Garrett both moaned. Wasn’t a date and a ring enough for her? I faced Garrett, he leaned in and kissed me
I am 11, this is my third story.