Archive for the ‘Jokes & Riddles’ Category
i want to know some funny quotes and stuff just so i can make my friends laugh…i used to be the funniest kid in my school but not anymore so i need to come up with some stuff…it can be dirty or nasty…anything that is funny.
Practice makes a man perfect… - But nobody’s perfect….. . So why practice?
Money is not everything. - There’s MasterCard & Visa.
One should love animals. - They are so tasty.
Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour. - But don’t get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
“Your future depends on your dreams” - So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
“Hard work never killed anybody” - But why take the risk !
“Work fascinates me” - I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two’s company, - three’s the result!
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So… Why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station…. What more can I say……..
*******
1. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
7. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.
Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “why is it necessary to be quiet in church” one bright little girl replied, ” because people are sleeping”.
Six- year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled,sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. “You’ re not aupposed to talk out loud in church, “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel ask. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
A sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if any one could tell her what it was. Susie rasied her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”
I had been teaching my three- year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime,she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “lead me not into temptation,” she prayed,” but deliver us some E-mail. Amen
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and started to walk out. The minister continued on his sermon and asked the congregation to bow there heads,before the minister could say anything else the boy called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me Pray for me!”
>And one particular four-year old prayed ,”And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards.
Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines.
I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
* If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
* Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
* Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage
makes you a mechanic.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried
before.
* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
* No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before
you need it.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to
be amused.
I believe that the word “politics” is derived from 2 words: “poli”, which means many, and “tics,” which are BLOOD-SUCKING LEECHES.
-from Taylor Mason (”Thou Shalt Laugh”)
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.
A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen… And This Kitchen Is Delirious.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.
Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out.
Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
There’s a lot. If you read any, star if you laughed******
> Nine year old Junior comes home from school one day and his mother asks what he learned. “Oh, mom,” said Junior, “I learned how to fuck today!” Mom is furious and sends him to his room explaining that he has to wait till his father gets home. Well, dad gets home about an hour later and is met by his irate wife. “Go talk to YOUR son!” she demands.
Dad goes up and finds his son sitting on the bed and asks what had happened. “Dad, all I told her is that I learned to fuck today,” says Junior. “That’s my boy!!!!!” dad blurts out, but after thinking a moment he says, “Well, your mom is really upset about this, so I’m gonna have to ground you for a week. But, I see you’re following in your father’s footsteps. I’m quite proud of you.”
The next day at the construction site, dad is bragging to all his co-workers about his nine year old son getting laid. “A chip off the old block!” he beams . “Of course, I didn’t start till I was ten, but he’s already becoming a man!!”
Dad comes home from work that night, proud as can be, barely kisses the wife’s cheek as he rushes up to his son’s room. “Well, son,” he asks, “did you do it again today???”
“Oh, no!” exclaims Junior, “my butt still hurts from yesterday!”
ØIt was the nursery teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers”. “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some sweets.”
“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. “Is it Champagne?” she asked.
“No,” replied the little girl, “It is a puppy.”
ØAn old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?”
“It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?”
“That’s my business! Get me the course!”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, “please, before it’s too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
“One less lawyer . . .”
ØAn off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty
officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:
Each for not wearing a seat belt!
These are actual stories written in essays by kids in their history classes:
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer